I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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