so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
is that a dick in a sweater?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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