Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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