I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
