Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
