I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
