bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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