i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
