My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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