She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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