Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
last night I used snow as a chaser
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
