TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
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it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
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The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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