I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
