she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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