Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
