3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
