Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
