"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
