all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
