my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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