At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
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