the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
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We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
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I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.