Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
