Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
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I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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