i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
