after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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