if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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