I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
