im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
