Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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