I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
