She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
