I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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