Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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