Plan B is the new Plan A
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Randomize
