I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I currently don't understand fingers.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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