Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well I just put wine in my tea
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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