walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
