Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
operation harelip BJ is a go
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
