We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
