textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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