Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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