It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
