I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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