1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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