my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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