All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Your face is a jimmy john
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
