toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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