He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
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I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
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I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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