I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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