Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
