my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
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I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
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I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
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He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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