Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
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just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
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It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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