Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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