I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
