New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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