I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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